he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
