You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
