I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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