You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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