Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
