I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
