you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Randomize
