update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
