Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize