It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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