The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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