Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
