I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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