I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize