just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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