I hate your face
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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