if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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