god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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