I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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