i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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