I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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