You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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