Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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