I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
