My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
