I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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