vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
