i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
