after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
