So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
