The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
