My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
