i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
