Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
be right there i have to get my cape
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
