what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
sex in a hospital.. check
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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