You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
