Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
