It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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