the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
