Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
