I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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