I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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