someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
