The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
