well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
