I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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