I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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