Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
