i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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