I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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