Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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