I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
