i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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