She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize