I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
