i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
